Home » Monologues » Getting It Right

Getting It Right

Set:  A stage.
Running Time: Approximately 7 minutes
Cast:  1 F


I won’t let that happen again. I’ll be more careful.  Much more careful.
I will count.
One, two, three, four squirts and a shake.
That is enough detergent to wash the dishes.
Four squirts and a shake.  I’ve got that.

I won’t let that happen again.
I will keep the toilet paper in the coffee canister
And count off two-sheet pieces. One, two.  One, two.  One, two…..
This is a jumbo roll and it has to last a week.
I will see that it does.

I won’t let that happen again.
I will walk the dog so he doesn’t hose the truck wheel.
I definitely won’t let him get his leg up near the truck.
I won’t let that happen again.

I will keep the vegetables out of the sink
So they are not in the way
When he wants to wash his greasy hands….
I must remember that.

I won’t let that happen again.
I’ll cut the baby’s formula in half
So he doesn’t use so many diapers.
Diapers cost too much to have babies peeing on them he says.

I’ll have to feed the baby less,
Or do something to stop the poo.
That is such a waste of diapers. I have to be careful.
I won’t let that happen again.

I wish I’d get something right.
I should know better
Than to cut the carrots lengthwise to cook them.
You’d think, I’d know that, by now.
But I won’t let it happen again.

Now, that was really stupid.
To put butter into the mashed potatoes.
I’m supposed to know enough
By now to put the butter on top of the potatoes.
I get so many things wrong.
I won’t let that happen again.

And another thing, if I want to keep my head facing forward,
I’d better learn how to tear the lettuce in two centimetre squares.
Maybe I should put a protractor on them just in case.
I’ll make sure I’ve got that right.

Too much salad dressing ruins the salad.
It  takes twelve croutons and
One and one half spoonsful of salad dressing for three ounces of salad.
Yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
I’ve got that right.

Take off the right boot first and set it over on the tray.
Take off the left boot next and put it on the tray.
Put on the right slipper first and then put the left one on.
Take the tray to the laundry room and set it parallel
To the left end of the freezer…when I’m facing it.
I’ve got that.  I won’t mess that up again.

And there is something else I have to watch out for.
When he says something degrading or rude about women,
I’d better laugh and he likes me to whack him on the left shoulder.
So I’d better stay in the right position to do that.
I definitely can’t afford to get that wrong.

I’m going to get something right, sometime, and we’ll have
A decent happy home…..
Now, I’d better concentrate on this doily and get it centered.
There.  Now,  I’ve  got  it!  Twenty-seven  point five centimetres
From each end of the table
And fifteen centimetres from each side.
There, I’ve got that perfect.

This has been the worst night ever.

I only had three squirts of detergent left to do the dishes.
He got diarrhea and used up the rest of the roll of toilet paper
And it’s only Wednesday.
The dog peed on his boot.  I’ll really miss the dog.
A brussel sprout rolled into the sink and he found it.
The baby has potty rim on his bum from sitting on the pot all day.
I didn’t get the carrots right either.
Then I put a dollop of butter right on top of the potatoes too soon,
And it melted and ran down the sides
Of the mound in little golden rivers.
And I got the lettuce two centimeters by two centimetres,
But the square slipped and they were ten degrees off.
I used the wrong spoon to measure the salad dressing
And I didn’t arrange the croutons like Stonehenge.
I took the wrong boot off first,
And then I screwed up the order of the slippers.
When he said something stupid and degrading I hit him, but I forgot to laugh.
Major booboo.
When he knocked me onto the table I messed up the doiley
And then he threw a new wrinkle at me.

I didn’t have the baby’s toys in alphabetical order.

But it all worked out well.

I ran up the stairs and jumped over the step with the detergent on it.
He fell and sliced himself with the knife
That he was going to use to set me straight.
When he comes back from the crematorium,
I’m going to flush him.

I’ve got that right.


Copyright 1997 Agnes Waterton